Pen Envy

I don't know what Freud might have to say about this title but I must confess that I was suffering from it this weekend, sitting around listening to other writer's writing and to the instructor, Sean Murphy, who has published four books and is a professor at UNM, Taos. It was easy to convince myself that my writing is weak, awful, sucks, etc. when compared to others. The ego flares up again... and resulted in writer's block - how not if everytime I think about writing I compare myself to others. So to get myself out of this slump I figured I could at least write my blog - nothing that I'll ever read in class and therefore presumably immune to feelings of insecurity.

To top it off yesterday I visited a new friend in El Rito who is the Head of the English Dept at UNM, Taos, and frequently does public readings of her short stories. She's unpublished at the moment, but her work is in the hands of an agent in NYC and she's waiting to hear. But I remind myself - that's why I moved to Taos in the first place - because there are alot of writers and writing groups. Nothing like being a small fish in a big pond.

I'm even procrastinating by recently diving into an over 1,000 page book by Wally Lamb, "I Know This Much is True". Great way to beat myself over the head because I can't even seem to write a page. Even during the "free writes" during class, with prompts, I was having a hard time getting started. I've heard this happens. Except it hasn't happened to me yet. I'm hoping that if I just start writing it will be like getting jump started and the engine/battery will kick in and start working on it's own. I hope I don't need a new battery.

My apartment is almost complete with decoration and furniture - thanks to thrift stores in Taos. I'm really tickled about an end table I found that has four legs made from tree trunks. It looks funky and in Taos funky is in. I also now have the poster from the Taos summer writer's conference, framed, hanging over my reading chair. And that should inspire me. And tomorrow is writer's group in the morning so I have to get something done on paper or else why pay the price of admission. Maybe I will read this in class after all.

Writers

I've had the privilege to listen to three great writers over the past couple of days. Last Friday pm I was a volunteer at SOMOS (Society of the Muse of the Southwest)and there were two readings: Jason Yurcic and Robert Mirabel. Jason is a poet from Albuquerque and has 3 books of poems published. He writes, "pain-based poetry" drawn from his traumatic childhood and travels to work with abused children, incarcerated criminials and those who have been disenfranchised. He invited a local youth to join him and had him read as well. He mentors youth in alternative high schools across New Mexico. Jason's readings were raw, real and moving. His first one was titled "Broken Ornament" about how his father was murdered on Christmas Eve.

Robert Mirabel is a native American that lives on the pueblo and is well known in Taos. He is a musican, artist and writer - a true Renaissance man. He read from his recent novel, "Looking Through Photographs". It definitely was a performance piece as Robert intoned, chanted, drummed, sang and spoke the words from his novel.

Last evening I attended a reading by the keynote speaker for the Taos Writer's Conference this year: Wally Lamb - author of "She's Come Undone", "This Much is True", "The Hour I first Believed" and others. He read a personal authobiographical piece and several chapters from his newest book, still unpublished, "Wishing and Hoping - A Christmas Story". He was friendly, funny and comfortably down to earth. He lives in Eastern Connecticut; in fact his second book, "This Much I Know is True" is set in Groton, CT, and the main character's stepfather works at EB (Electric Boat) where two of my brothers once worked.... small world.

I'm looking forward to next weekend I'm attending a workshop with local author, Sean Murphy, on "Overcoming the Barriers to your Authentic Voice" - sounds like it could be good for life as well as writing.

Go West

Back home after three and 1/2 weeks. whew.... Of course too much traveling, renting cars, buses, food and people to see. But worth it - to reconnect with family and friends. I felt like the trip was reminiscent of the "Where's Waldo" puzzle of maps -first Long Island, NY then to Saratoga Springs, NY, bus to Boston, then to Cape Cod, on to NH, back to Cape Cod, back to NH, and then finally back to Logan for return trip. I don't want to count up the $$ spent on the trip - at least the first part for the writer's conference is tax deductible....

I wished for alot of rain during my visit East - and be careful what you ask for because it rained every day except for one! Then when I returned to Taos last week it was overcast for the first day but then it's been back to sunshine as usual.

Highlights of the trip was seeing people and yes I did get my feet in the ocean (except that's all - only one 2 hr afternoon at the beach), eat a lobster roll, fried clams and lots of homemade icecream. I have the extra pounds to prove it. For some reason New Mexico is not big on ice cream - only three choices in town - McDonalds(if you call that ice cream), Baskin-Robbins, and Taos Cow - which just doesn't measure up to the homemade creamy-ness of the cows on the East. Alas - at least not as much temptation.

Settling into the new apartment and getting used to a smaller space and less sunlight - the good news about that is that it doesn't get anywhere near as hot as the earthship did on really warm days.... there's always a flip side.

New Address

I just found out today that the physical address I've been given for my new apartment is also my mailing address. Who knew? In El Prado you get both - which really gets you into alot of trouble with the Dept of Motor Vehicles. So, my new address is 305B Destino Lane, Taos, NM 87571. I moved in yesterday and spent my first night on a blow-up mattress but today the futon sofa was delivered so hopefully I will get a better night's sleep!

My birthday weekend in Colorado was great. I found out after breakfast on Saturday that Jenn and Erin had treated me to a massage for my birthday so that was the first stop. Afterwards we went to the hot springs in Pagosa Springs, CO, for an afternoon of soaking (twice in one week - what a treat)followed by dinner at Kip's Grill and Cantini, complete with margueritas! On Sunday we picked up Jenn's mountain bike and a bureau to load in the car for my return to NM and I said my goodbyes to her and her cat, Gunther, who I have been taking care of for the past six months. I've become attached to the little critter - it was hard to say goodbye. But I'll see him and Jenn again soon in NH the 3rd week in June.

My birthday started out with not such a good bang with a trip to the DMV for my 3rd try to get a driver's license in NM. With time running out on getting my car registered, I thought I'd give it another go. The DMV office is staffed with the most unagreeable, cold and downright b..... women I've ever seen congregate in one place. I've decided it's my new definition of purgatory. The rules are obscure, they keep changing and just when you think you have it down it changes again. The information I was given on my 2nd visit did not prove accurate for this attempt - the staff person had told me that I could use a statement from my bank with my social security number on it as proof of my identity (never mind that I showed them my official birth certificate, NH driver's license, and passport) - because unfortunately I've misplaced my social security card during the purging I did to get ready to drive cross country last June. So after vainly trying to reason/negotiate/beg with the clerk, I gave up and drove the 1 1/2 hrs to Santa Fe to go to the Social Security Admin office there, to sit in another long line to apply for a duplicate card. They said that I will have my new card within two weeks - which with my upcoming trip out East will make me overdue for my car registration. Oh well, I'm sure it will all work out. The SSA did give me a statment with my social security card number on it and said that that should be sufficient for the DMV. We'll see....

Moving

Nothing exciting to report this week. Moving, packing, sorting,cleaning. Flooding due to my first experience with the Southwest monsoons - who knew? All week it's been raining off and on - what a pleasure! The high desert certainly needs the rain. Last night it rained so hard during the night that it came in my skylight window and soaked a portion of my comforter - but didn't wake me up.... Last night after I got home from Santa Fe from my last writing class with Natalie Goldburg the bathroom was flooded - oh well, I hadn't mopped that floor yet.

Everything smells great - the rain sets off the scent of sage which is wonderful. The flowers are in bloom everywhere and for the first time since I've lived here I feel like I'm in New England - everything is so green. The leaves are out, in the cottowoods, the bushes and evergreens are sparkling. The woman, Genny, who's living at the place I'll be moving to on 6/1 is a gardener and she's gifting me with alot of perennials, pansies and the like in the back yard of the new apartment. Now it will be up to me to keep them thriving. A bit of a challenge. I'm not gifted with a green thumb - although I do remember the window boxes I had on the deck in Meredith every summer filled with annuals. She also has a bird bath and two hooks for bird feeders.

For my birthday and as a reward for all my hard work this week I'm going to Ojo Caliente tomorrow - it's free on your birthday which is a great bonus.... Soaking all day in the hot springs, bringing a book, my cowboy hat, sunglasses and sunscreen. Maybe the mud bath will be open. And dinner with a friend at Graham's Grille ($15 coupon on your birthday) - the place of the BEST key lime pie. Then Friday I will spend the morning moving what I can to my new apt and then off Friday night to Durango, Co, to spend the weekend with Jenn, my daughter, a continuation of birthday celebrations....

Dog and House sitting

I'm taking my name off the website list for dog sitting and house sitting, even for the ones in New Zealand and Fiji - places I've always wanted to go to.... It's clear after a mere two weeks of doing it that I'm not cut out for this. Today's my first day of freedom and I feel like I'm on holiday! Two weeks of staying at someone else's house, caring for their severely crippled (as in had to be carried outside to do their business and watched)14 yo dog, one day away from euthanasia, took way more time than I anticipated. The dog has seen much better days (hopefully) and is now in assisted living - I was the caretaker. I'm sure Monty had alot more personality when she was younger but now she doesn't bark, whimper or make any noise at all - even though I'm sure her joints are in pain. She can walk a little but it was painful to see her hobble on her doubled over paws, pitching forward, waiting for her to tumble on her face. I also realize that I'm not really an "animal" person - unless it's an animal that I've raised and have a relationship with. Sort of the same way I feel about children - I don't enjoy them indiscriminately.

Big news - to coincide with the end of dog sitting - I got the braces off the top teeth yesterday! I've been rolling my tongue over them ever since. Unfortunately the lower have to stay in another month - they had to take molds for the top and permanent retainer; they have to be shipped off to Houston, TX and take that long to come back! Oh my god what a pleasure to floss my teeth! I never thought I'd say that. I made a bargain with myself that when I got my braces off I'd floss more regularly - compared to how you have to floss when you have braces - it's a cinch. It was such an arduous task (like embroidering between your teeth) that I hardly ever did it (don't tell my orthodontist). I've had my braces for 21 months - now it's a retainer for six months all the time and then at night - I think permanently.

Most of what I missed during my two weeks sojourn as a dog sitter was having the time to write. It helped me to realize how much I love it and look forward to have pieces ready for my writing groups. Only two more weeks of Natalie Goldberg's class - last night we wrote Haiku - who knew, apparently I have a knack for it. Could I get paid for writing Haiku?

Moving

I just recently decided to stay in Taos another year. My writing is on a roll and I've always felt that I needed to be here in this landscape, environment, artsy culture to inspire me. And the book's not done - hopefully it will be within a year. So, when I first moved here I wasn't too picky about location/price for an apartment because I thought it would only be for six months... I remember my landlord smiling, saying, "they all say that" - something about the Mountains and bewitching quality to the air that sucks you in. I decided that I needed something smaller and more affordable. I found something "off the mesa" - that higher than town, with the expansive sky and view of the mountains place - in town, "near the plaza". I'm beginning to speak Taoseno. It' on Destino Lane (ironic - my current place is on Wisdom Way) - of course all the addresses have both the mailing as well as physical address. Dont' know my mailing address yet - I've heard they have a neighborhood mail box down the street.

It is a smaller place, 375 sq feet compared to over 900. It's a studio apt on the back of a duplex(full one bedroom with a fenced in front yard); it has a small galley kitchen complete with saltillo tile floors, oak cabinets and shelving, my god I'll have some counter space.... The middle room is a combo living room/bedroom and then there's a full bath - with tub. Also included is a garage for storage space and a seperate laundry room with complimentary use of the washer/dryer. Whew no more trips to the Pinch a Penny laundromat - at least for now. The price is $225 less a month than what I'm paying and it includes utilities and trash removal. I'll be moving 6/1, just one week before I leave for an extended visit back East, beginning with the IWWG cfc at Skidmore College in Saratoga Springs for 10 days.

Other than the price savings the best thing about the new place is that I can walk to town, the grocery store, favorite cafes, and bookstore. It's much leafier and greener than the mesa, lots more shade. Which will probably come in handy in the upcoming warmer months.

So here's my wish list for my visit to New England & NY - not necessarily in order of priority: visits with family and friends, writing conference, a NY deli lunch, lobster, trips to the ocean, at least a few rainy days(I miss the rain!), homemade ice cream, shopping in a real mall, hiking in the white mountains, swimming - lots of swimming - Italian food (I know just the place in Holderness, NH), fried clams, lunch at the Chinook Cafe in Conway - hope I can cover it all in 3 weeks!

Friends from Home

This week I was looking forward to visiting with two friends in Taos; one from NH (currently living in FlA) and the other from Omaha, Nebraska. The first didn't make it but the latter did. My friend, Annie's husband's prostate cancer has come back and the night of her planned trip to Albuquerque she got a call for an appt for him at the Dana Farber Cancer Ctr in Boston. He has to undergo 4-6 weeks of radiation (his prostate was removed 5 years ago). The blessing is that he has his four children living in NE area, one in Boston, and will have lots of support, care and transportation as he needs it. They were both planning on returning to NE for the summer but not this early. He had thought he was "past" the safe mark, having made it 5 years post his initial diagnosis. It makes me think about a second melanoma that I had; sixteen years after the first one - not related and in a totally different area. We never know what's up ahead for any of us. It's best to live as if you never know what day will be your last and enjoy it fully. Sort of like having dessert first.

I did meet up with Anda on Monday night and we went out for dessert! Graham's Grille on the Taos Plaza has the BEST key lime pie anywhere I've ever been... However, much to my surprise I ended up ordering the flourless chocolate cake with creme anglais and hazelnuts. It was divine. Anda ordered the cherry/cranberry cobbler which was tart and delicious. She and her friend/traveling companion, Jo, will be returning via Taos this coming weekend so who knows we might get together again. I visited Anda in her hometown of Omaha during last summer's cross country drive. It was wonderful to see a familiar face.

I am busy planning my trip to NE in June and looking for a new place to live. I've decided to stay in Taos another year to work on my writing and want to find a place that is less expensive and smaller. I find that I'm not home that much anyway, I prefer writing in cafes. The ambience is nicer and the prospect of an expresso as a companion is very attractive; I think the caffeine helps the writing process, or that's what I choose to believe.